“Mommy–” came my five-year-old’s still-babyish little voice from the back seat.
“Mmmm?” I said distractedly, as I dug blindly in my bag for sunglasses while trying to buckle my seat belt and back the car out of the driveway at the same time.
The day had gotten off to a very late start – the result of my foolishly trying to squeeze in some pre-dawn writing before waking Fletcher for school. Naturally, I’d lost track of time …and the morning had been a frantic rush to drag my still-sleeping kid out of bed, hustle him into his clothes and force-feed him breakfast. We were finally in the car. I had about three minutes to make the 10-minute drive to school.
“Maaah-meee!” he tried again, impatiently, drawing the syllables out like taffy. His voice had the high-pitched whine that creeps in when he’s frustrated. “Maaah-meee! I have a question,” he insisted. “When we die, do we get to come back to life again?”
That got my attention. This wasn’t some random Can I get a Star Wars video game? question that he already knows the answer to – because it’s been No the last dozen times he’s asked … but he’s going to ask once more just to see if I change my mind. This was the kind of serious kid stuff you put your coffee down for. I turn around. His usually impish face is dark, and he’s holding his favorite stuffed toy tightly in his lap. What could have possibly put this in his head in the time it takes to walk from the kitchen to the car? Who knows. Kids’ emotions spin on a dime.
I turn off the car, unbuckle my seat belt and turn back to face him. Clearly, school will wait.
“Are you worried about dying? About Mommy and Daddy dying?” I ask, stalling for time. He nods as my brain scrambles to put together an appropriate response … thinking, thinking, thinking … How do I answer that?
To read more, please click here and follow me over to Lifescript’s Health Bistro blog, where I’m blogging today and the second Friday of every month on my misadventures in late-in-life parenthood.
Got a story about how you explained death and dying to your child? Please share it at the end of the post or below.
Photo credit: ollo
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I just started to blog and am very new at it, setting it up, etc. Anyway I wrote an article about how I explained the death of my father to my 4 yr old, almost 5 at the time. Please check it out and see what you think of my explanation. I am too lazy to rewrite here!! Let me know what your thoughts are after you read it. Thanks, Monica (http://tipsformotherhood.blogspot.com)
Beautiful explanation. I love the battery metaphor. Obviously my stumbling block was that I’m an atheist and can’t in good conscience seed my child with beliefs I don’t embrace… and my beliefs on what happens after death are pretty bleak for a child. But I do believe in the soul, which may go on indefinitely. I wasn’t sure how to explain that concept so I may just borrow your explanation because it seems so child-friendly. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment.
I had to address this topic when my son was three – here’s my podcast about it. http://sumogirl.com/sumomambo/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=403&Itemid=44
But just a couple of months ago – one of our cats died – so, we had to address it again – see: http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2011/04/death-of-cat.html
The best writing I’ve seen on this comes from Raising Freethinkers by Dale McGowan. He says that this is the most profound concept for any human to learn and that they will struggle with it for their entire lives. But he gives several good practical things you can do to help your kid cope and learn about it and come to terms with it. He also compiled a lot of research about which approaches work best – and I seriously wish I had had the book when my son’s grandfather died. It was all the same research I found put in one place. I highly recommend the book – link here: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
Jen, thanks so much for reading and commenting. I’m going to check out Dale McGowan’s book. I appreciate the recommendation.